"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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