Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
