K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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