Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
