He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
