I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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