mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
