Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
