this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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