According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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