I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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