so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
