If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
