The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
