Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
