my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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