she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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