I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
