Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
The air taste purple.
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