shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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