It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
