I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
