apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Damn victory sex feels great
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
