You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
