this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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