I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
