I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
