Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
