I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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