my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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