I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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