I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
