My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
