This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
