Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
