xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
