I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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