bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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