Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
