he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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