I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
