dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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