omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
