I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Damn victory sex feels great
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
