I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
