Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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