how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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