I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
