First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
