i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
