I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
