don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
