After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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