i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I skipped work to stalk him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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